Nawal al Saadawi from “Exile and Resistence”

I can not even begin to speak of how I identify with this. Although even in my identification with this, I still find myself falling short. Because both languages, I speak, are not my mother languages. Arabic is a product of my “arabisation” in language form and other mannerisms -as a “southern Sudanese” -by the Sudanese Government …(and I am losing profeciency because of many years in the U.S.). So now I speak english, yet I always feel like I can never capture the essence of anything I am trying to say. Speaking either language leaves me with a strange emptiness, I often feel unsure of my emotions and expressions. I think this feeling of emptiness is strange because I was never taught my mother tongue (the language specific to my ethnic group), so why am I feeling emptiness where the language never occupied me? I always feel that my tongue is not part of my body. I am always left dissatisfied whenever I attempt to express myself.

This is why sometime I find myself painting with so much intensity. It’s the only language that feels absolutely true to me. I can construct my own meaning. My own language.